Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!