guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
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Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…