@causticbob

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

You Might Also Like

@Shen_the_Bird

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

@mariokeyparty

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

@GoldenSpirals

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

@J0hnnyBlaze

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

@mc_funbags

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

@raeraefairydust

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.