“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
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My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this