@joshgondelman

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

@sug_knight

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

@preritpathak

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

@vandroidhelsing

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

@Donnie_Fairburn

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

@KenJennings

just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go

@ClichedOut

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

@iamspacegirl

*brain waking up*
oh god please not again I can’t keep existing in this reality

*brain 20 minutes later*
1000000 chameleons is a chamillion