why am I working on Labor Day
You Might Also Like
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”