Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
This is painfully accurate 😅
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered