Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes