Pro Tip: don’t believe everything on Twitter. Y’all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*
Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Oh good, now it is snowing”
– If I lived in a snow globe.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Bringing home a sharpie
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?