@katlamcglynn

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

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@devansgorock

Pro Tip: don’t believe everything on Twitter. Y’all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.

@praisecheese

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

@iheartgunts

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

@TheRolo

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

@daplusk

“AAAAHH EARTHQUAKE!
Oh good, now it is snowing”

– If I lived in a snow globe.

@BGH70

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

@MikeHornick

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

@PaulyPeligroso

Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?