Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

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Pro Tip: don’t believe everything on Twitter. Y’all said throw her up against the wall to keep her happy. Karen from accounting. Not Happy.


Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.


I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.


Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Wife: Yes.


Oh good, now it is snowing”

– If I lived in a snow globe.


Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.


A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets


Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?