why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
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If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”