Why are bridges so flammable.
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
he looks great for his age
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
for all #parents out there
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.