Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I’ve been one for 30 some years now.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
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cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make
I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Told my kid not to touch the floor of the bathroom, so he licked the doorknob instead. The dumb is strong in this one.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
You guys I found a great deal on pumpkins and bus drivers
“I’m a copy-editor”
– who cares
– what does that even mean
“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– maybe you have a sword
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!