Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
You Might Also Like
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired