Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.