Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.