@Sassafrantz

Why are guys so desperate for oral sex? We swallow over 57 spiders a yr while sleeping.The odds that 1 could come back up should terrify you

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@TheTweetOfGod

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

@skittle624

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

@MaybePileJokes

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

@cbdoubleu

[Gets arrested]

Officer: You get one phone call…

*hangs up a few minutes later.

Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.

@slimmy_shady

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

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@NikiWithIssues

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

@KateWhineHall

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

@GlennyRodge

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time