“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Why are guys so desperate for oral sex? We swallow over 57 spiders a yr while sleeping.The odds that 1 could come back up should terrify you
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Officer: You get one phone call…
*hangs up a few minutes later.
Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
me: this is free, right?