Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I pray every night that I never become religious…
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
tourist season
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.