My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
“WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU’RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN’T POOP”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.
Steven King, Dean Koontz and Anne Rice have all announced their retirement stating: Nothing we write will ever be scarier than this election
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please