@heatherlou_

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

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@daemonic3

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

@Marcmywords2

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

@AdamWeinstein

“WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU’RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN’T POOP”

@Mom_Overboard

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

@sarah1mc

I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.

@SaraMansford

Steven King, Dean Koontz and Anne Rice have all announced their retirement stating: Nothing we write will ever be scarier than this election

@i_zzzzzz

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

@junejuly12

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please