Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
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*performs sax solo*
*performs sex, solo*
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
*gives ex wife’s next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.