@meegangilbert

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

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@LeaMehanna

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

@markleggett

Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.

@MarcusTheToken

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

@wendchymes

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

@roxiqt

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

@TheDeducers

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

@TheHyyyype

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

@sixfootcandy

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

@krisv_723

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.