why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
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My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Left at a local drug store…
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that