Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.