Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
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“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]