I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
“I hate you”
You Might Also Like
Date: maybe go easy on the salt
*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*
Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach
Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little
Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.