@aveuaskew

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

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@Marlebean

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

@captainkalvis

Date: maybe go easy on the salt

*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*

Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach

Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little

Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs

@floydimus

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

@CruisinSoozan

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

@tarashoe

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

@zacharyflynn

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

@TheClifBob

Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again

@AtticusFinch79

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

@TheCatWhisprer

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

@Shwetangles

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.