@LoveNLunchmeat A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
@aveuaskew “Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
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@LoveNLunchmeat 
@iamburtjarvis producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
@gerryhallcomedy When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
@Michael1979 Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
@crmotwo Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
@ThaJawn Phill: *gets stung by a stingray
Me: *pees on his wound
Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings
Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!
@heytherecore [Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
@LackOfShame Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
@mrtruthandsoul *breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
@thedad Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk