@aveuaskew

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

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@LoveNLunchmeat

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@Michael1979

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

@crmotwo

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

@ThaJawn

Phill: *gets stung by a stingray

Me: *pees on his wound

Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings

Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!

@heytherecore

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

@LackOfShame

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

@mrtruthandsoul

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

@thedad

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk