@Marlebean
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
@aveuaskew
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
You Might Also Like
@Marlebean
@captainkalvis
Date: maybe go easy on the salt
*i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt*
Me: but what if there’s a slug in my stomach
Date: *trying* then you’d only need a little
Me: *motioning to the server to bring more salt* what if its a family of slugs
@floydimus
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
@CruisinSoozan
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
@tarashoe
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
@zacharyflynn
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
@TheClifBob
Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again
@AtticusFinch79
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
@TheCatWhisprer
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
@Shwetangles
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.