“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.