Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.