@kelly__le

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

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@DanOverHere

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

@myonlymizztake

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

@AndrewChamings

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

@MomOnFire

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

@SideOfWine

Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.

@StellaRtwot

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

@bobvulfov

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

@ADHDeanASL

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.

@Overdue_Bills

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.