In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet
he speaks in typos
EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA!
ok maybe we should take 5
“I’m sorry I could never do that for you,” said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.