Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

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Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.


These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.


sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks


Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.


Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.


*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier


me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass


Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it


Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.


“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.