@kelly__le

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

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@cray_at_home_ma

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

@dorsalstream

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

@2Saddington

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

@sofarrsogud

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

@TeachersHot

Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet

@panmidwest

THERAPIST:
what’s wrong?

WIFE:
he speaks in typos

ME:
EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA!

THERAPIST:
ok maybe we should take 5

ME:
food idea

@man_spach

“I’m sorry I could never do that for you,” said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

@Jarhead44

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.