@kelly__le

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

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@Ygrene

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

@adult_mom

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

@not_thenanny

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

@phxguy88

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

@Sychlops

Pretty sure Zinedine Zidane never forgave his parents for all the waiting he had to do for his attendance call in school.

@AmberDonn

Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.

@mejustbeth

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

@angelunatic_

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

@sbellelauren

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

@Steelers1972

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.