Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

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Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok


my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices


No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)


I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.


Pretty sure Zinedine Zidane never forgave his parents for all the waiting he had to do for his attendance call in school.


Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.


A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.


Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date


We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable


the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING


I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.