Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
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doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course