Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
You Might Also Like
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato