Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
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If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”