Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
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“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Choose your fighter
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating