@RevDaniel

Why are there so many books, movies and TV shows about clergy who solve mysteries?

I can’t even figure out which fuse box controls the church A/C that I’ve been told for 7yrs exists but which I’ve yet to feel.

And where do they fit in writing sermons between all the murders?

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@Robert_Beau

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

@MUMSIEesq

ME: I should get out of bed.
FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes.
M: I might shower today.
F: My husband invented showers.

@ddsmidt

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

@kelkulus

Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.

@hunkybloodydory

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

@SortaBad

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

@SadieSkyNinja

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

@LOsepyan

Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?

@TheAlexNevil

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day