You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Why are there so many books, movies and TV shows about clergy who solve mysteries?
I can’t even figure out which fuse box controls the church A/C that I’ve been told for 7yrs exists but which I’ve yet to feel.
And where do they fit in writing sermons between all the murders?
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ME: I should get out of bed.
FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes.
M: I might shower today.
F: My husband invented showers.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Vacuum the cat, its easier than vacuuming his hair from the whole house
Between IKEA and Burger King, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all eaten entire horses by now.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day