If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
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my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!