why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
You Might Also Like
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.