Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I had to Stop for this
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”