@Cryptic1iam

Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?

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@120yearz

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

@LosLos__

Wife: My family is coming over.
Me: ….?
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

@BasicLyes

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

@MarfSalvador

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

@joanwilsonorg

Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

@notalogin

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

@Jade_VK

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

@krisv_723

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

@batkaren

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.