Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?

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what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow


Wife: My family is coming over.
Me: ….?


Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.


Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many


Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.


I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.


First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.


I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective


On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.


The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.