what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?
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Wife: My family is coming over.
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.