Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
You Might Also Like
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?