Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
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How old do I look?
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.
I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
‘Winter Wonderland’ is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later