Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

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How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any


My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me


This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.


It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.


I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.


PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.


I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory


When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.


‘Winter Wonderland’ is my favourite song about building a snowman that you will potentially have sex with later