Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Why are they called library fines and not hush money?
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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …
When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream