@Tups13

Why are they called library fines and not hush money?

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@meganamram

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

@genepompa

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

@ddsmidt

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

@PaperWash

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

@SteveKoehler22

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

@mattgallo123

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

@nnnatchos

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

@WhatevaConc

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

@imteddybless

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream