BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
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Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Swedish for common sense.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”