Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.