Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
You Might Also Like
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
*performs CPR on the turkey*
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Thursday Thought.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.