WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
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My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”