I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?
THE MACHINE: I do
PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-
RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS