Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.