Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands