[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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Him: Have you ever been so drunk that you…
Him: But I didn’t finish…
Me: The answer is yes
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: I’m going on a liquid diet to refresh my system.
Her: you’re literally eating a breakfast burrito right now?
Me:*mouth full* abfter viss
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.