Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

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The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.


FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*


My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water


her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids


Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting. nnDidn’t get any stars. nGot RT’d to HR.


I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it


Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don’t give you all my money you’d have no problem watching me die.


It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.