@JamieFord

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

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@JohnLyonTweets

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

@Brampersandon_

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

@i_zzzzzz

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

@themiltron

her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids

@SlipCarefully

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting. nnDidn’t get any stars. nGot RT’d to HR.

@Geanina_26K

I’m going to nap so hard today, my pillow Is going to need a cigarette when I’m done with it

@robfee

Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don’t give you all my money you’d have no problem watching me die.

@RickAaron

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.