WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
s
oc
i
a
l
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.