Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@C_A_Guardiola

Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I’m going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.

@RobElliottComic

When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

@UGotMeRight

I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.

@malt_skull

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

@MindPassionate

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

@tchrquotes

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

@Halbeerz

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

@Try2StopME

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.