@vmochama

why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?

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@Thateverydayguy

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

@FancyNancyAnn

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

@simoncholland

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

@chuuew

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

@envydatropic

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

@Marlebean

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

@WilliamAder

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

@NrouteHQ

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

@etherealraccoon

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes