If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.