Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@vvvolte

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

@chuuew

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

@squirrel74wkgn

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

@81I2

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail

@AlyT81

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

@blondebombs

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

@SvnSxty

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

@CopBroughtPizza

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

@MattElGato

*intercom comes on* “Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face”