Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I’m going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.
why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?
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When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Answering: How are you?
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return
-incites follow-up questions
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.