Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness
Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.
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Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.