Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.

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Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.


Wife*outside bathroom door*:”I can hear ur keyboard clicking away. U tweeting in there?”
Me*pauses knitting*:”Uh, Ya”


God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then


My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.


Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!


Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.


I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.


ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”


Once a baby dragon flew out in front of my car and I screamed. Turned out it was just a pheasant.
I have lots of good stories like this.