@michaelianblack

Why are we making such a big deal about the wheels on the bus going round and round? They’re wheels.

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@AlfKilledMyCat

Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

@dog_feelings

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

@MelvinofYork

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

@FatherWithTwins

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

@AndrewsNotFunny

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

@bobvulfov

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

@ObscureGent

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.