why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
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Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
*weighs self after shaving
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
How did we not see this back then?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”