Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split
To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.
If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”
What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope