I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
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Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Thank you dry toothbrush for outing my kids whenever I ask them if they brushed their teeth. You’re the real MVP.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Which wines pair best with gloating?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how