Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

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Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.



“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]


Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.


why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split


To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.


If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”


What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people


So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:


Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.


me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope