Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

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I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish


Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???


Thank you dry toothbrush for outing my kids whenever I ask them if they brushed their teeth. You’re the real MVP.


Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.


Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach


My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills


My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.


me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how