@audipenny

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

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@khook32

Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight?

Me: Good point.

*Grabs Kit Kat

@BastardProphet

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

@AnkCoupleTO

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

@billmaher

New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?

@Holy_Mowgli

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

@robfee

I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.

@itsa_talia

i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing

@Maxine12333

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

@flashember

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane