Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

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Skinny friend: Bananas are super high in sugar. Why would you eat them if you want to lose weight?

Me: Good point.

*Grabs Kit Kat


Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.



Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice


New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?


DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand


I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.


i know 99.9999% of you don’t know anything about california area stereotypes but this is such a fullerton thing


When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.


walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane