Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
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Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Why is everyone getting married at me
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine