Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

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My car is 13 years old.

I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.


Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?


ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again


My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.


me: dogs have 4 legs


me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen


men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want


Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*