Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.