My car is 13 years old.
I like how the ceiling fabric hangs down and makes it feel like a blanket fort.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
me: dogs have 4 legs
me: so do tables
me: so dogs are tables
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you