If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.
Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.
-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.
You Might Also Like
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?
my face: *look of horror*
9: firetruck! What else?
me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Worst thing about smoking marijuana nightly is the strong desire to also smoke it morningly, lunchly, afternoonly and allthetimely.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
On a date,
Him: Do you like cats?
Me: *flipping menu* Wait! What page are you on?
I’m going to eat healthier
Why does McDonald’s breakfast close so early?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.