@FuckabillyRex

-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-Wizard’s robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.

You Might Also Like

@Mr_Kapowski

If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.

Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.

@fro_vo

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

@itshotterhere

9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*

@PJTLynch

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

@HeavyRaines17

Worst thing about smoking marijuana nightly is the strong desire to also smoke it morningly, lunchly, afternoonly and allthetimely.

@thedadvocate01

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

@OfficielJules

On a date,
Him: Do you like cats?
Me: *flipping menu* Wait! What page are you on?

@ColeNoorda

(Dec. 31)
I’m going to eat healthier

(Jan. 1)
Why does McDonald’s breakfast close so early?

@WildeThingy

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.