-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-Wizard’s robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.

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If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.

Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.


Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything


9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*


The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago


Worst thing about smoking marijuana nightly is the strong desire to also smoke it morningly, lunchly, afternoonly and allthetimely.


Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*


On a date,
Him: Do you like cats?
Me: *flipping menu* Wait! What page are you on?


(Dec. 31)
I’m going to eat healthier

(Jan. 1)
Why does McDonald’s breakfast close so early?


Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.