Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
you know what ruined my childhood? children