“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
lmao
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.