Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal