“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
This is not me but this is me
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: