@dixonshuman

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

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@primawesome

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

@ShanaRose21

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

@dumbbeezie

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

@smedlee

APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR: “We must conserve resources. Only people with useful skills! What’s yours?”
ME: “I write and want to dir–”
“GUNSHOT*

@AimeeHelene1

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

@pmclellan

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

@jergarl

In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”