My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
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I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Follow your instincts, into the path of a moving train.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR: “We must conserve resources. Only people with useful skills! What’s yours?”
ME: “I write and want to dir–”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”